Men Do Cry

By Ken Falk

I heard quite often “men don’t cry”

though no one ever told me why.

So when I fell and skinned a knee,

no one came to comfort me.

And when some bully-boy at school

would pull a prank so mean and cruel,

I’d quickly learn to turn and quip,

“It doesn’t hurt,” and bite my lip.

So as I grew to reasoned years,

I learned to stifle any tears.

Though “Be a big boy” it began,

quite soon I learned to “Be a man.”

And I could play that stoic role

while storm and tempest wracked my soul.

No pain or setback, could there be

could wrest one single tear from me.

Then one long night, I stood nearby

and helplessly watched my son die.

And quickly found, to my surprise,

that all that tearless talk was lies.

And still I cry, and have no shame.

I cannot play that “big boy” game.

And openly, without remorse,

I let my sorrow take its course.

So those of you who can’t abide

a man you’ve seen, who’s often cried,

reach out to him with all your heart

as one whose life’s been torn apart.

For men DO cry when they can see

their loss of immortality.

And tears will come in endless streams

when mindless fate destroys their dreams.

Dear Daddy

by Noel Emkjer & Angel Kristen Angelica

I know I touched your life so deep

I wish I hadn’t made you weep

Like a beautiful rainbow, I had to fly away

My time with you was brief, I was not meant to stay

Thank you for giving me life and for loving me

I know how much you wish to hold me,

have a baby the world can see

But know that I am with you always

In the comforting warmth of the sun’s rays

I’m in the stars and the waves of the ocean blue

You are my daddy and I love you

Listen as my voice whispers to you on the breeze

My song will take flight among the trees

This Father’s Day even though we’re apart

I’m really with you, snug in your heart

I’m your little girl, I’ll be with you forever

I’m your angel girl and I have the best daddy ever!

Male & Female

by Kristen Johson Ingram

Male and female are obviously

God’s plan for the earth.  Everything

from plants to human beings are

interdependent with the other

gender.  But when you live with the

pain and sorrow of losing a child,

it’s easy to forget.  Our marriage

came close to breaking up because

we grieved in silence, isolated from

each other.  Only when we came

together to express our anger and

sorrow to each other did we begin

to heal and become one flesh

again.

*From Always Precious in Our Memory, 1997.

The Father’s Grief

by Cindy Haugen, BSW

I think most men could probably relate to the poem, “Men Do Cry” by Ken Falk.  Even though we often think today’s society is quite liberal, men are still not given permission to express the range of emotions that women are.  In fact, when I told my husband I was going to write about his grief, his initial response was, “No Way!”  His response clearly illustrates the stigma that still exists regarding the male expression of emotions.  I received his permission to write this article. 

Grief is an individual experience regardless of one’s gender, but there also seems to be a clear gender difference.  In Empty Cradle, Broken Heart (1996), Davis attributes this gap to society’s admiration of “people who can keep a ‘stiff upper lip’ in the face of great tragedy.”  She states that “men especially have been expected to react this way, and when women have cried, it has been excused as part of their inherently hysterical nature.  These shaming attitudes have stifled men and patronized women.”  (p. 111)

When couples experience a baby loss, the father’s grief may be ignored or misunderstood because of the inherent gender difference, or his inability to express his feelings.   Bob Miller states that “too many men are ‘Lone Rangers’ emotionally , isolating their emotions even from their families and close friends.”  (“Handling Grief as a Man,” in Care Notes,  1996).  Fortunately, my husband was able to sit and cry with me.  I think that having experienced the loss of his father many years ago enabled him to recognize and express his feelings of grief.  If he wasn’t able to express himself, I may have misinterpreted his behaviour as “uncaring,” or assumed he was not grieving.

According to Deborah Davis (1996), men may cope with their grief by keeping busy.  She indicates that there are altogether five methods of avoiding grief.  They include:

silence—not expressing one’s feelings.

secrecy—expressing one’s emotions only in private.

anger—becoming easily frustrated instead of expressing feelings of hurt and sadness.

addiction—altering one’s emotions through the abuse of substances like alcohol and drugs.

action—making oneself busy with work, hobbies, funeral arrangements etc.

After arrangements were finalized for the baby,  I think my husband was relieved to return to work , because he needed to feel like he was doing something.  On the other hand, in Help, Comfort & Hope after Losing Your Baby in Pregnancy or the First Year (1997), Hannah Lothrop indicates that bereaved fathers may be pressured to return to work when they really need time off to mourn their loss. (p. 86)  Again, this is because society tends to ignore or minimize the father’s grief.

Many fathers are overwhelmed with concern for their partners.  My husband said that his worse moment through our ordeal was watching me experience difficult labor, knowing we would deliver a baby who had already died.   I realize now that his burden was double:  working through his own grief, and consoling me.

Similarly, fathers may feel pressure to resolve their partner’s grief.  They may advocate that having a new baby will “fix” the grief, when their partner does not feel ready.   While a subsequent pregnancy can be healing, Deborah Davis reminds us that it “will not fill the emptiness or banish the longing you feel.  Alas, working through your grief is the only thing that will bring you lasting peace and happiness.”  (Empty Cradle, Broken Heart, 1996, p. 183.)

I have heard female friends complain that their partners always feel the need to suggest solutions to their problems instead of “just listening and being supportive.”  My husband learned along time ago that he can not just “fix things” when I am struggling with something.  A close friend and co-worker let him know that sometimes the best way to help is just to listen, and to respect the times when I am not ready to talk.  He has become a skilled listener.  Nevertheless, when our son died, he wanted to attach a clear explanation to the tragedy.  He believes it was due to the amount of stress I experienced during my pregnancy.  However, I have worked with too many battered women who have healthy babies despite the enormous amount of stress they are under.  But he still feels stress was a contributing cause. 

Gender differences in grieving may also be attributed to the simple biology of pregnancy.  My husband and I agree that part of the reason he

did not grieve as intensely as I did was because he had not bonded with our son as much as I had.  As  Lothrop states in Help, Comfort & Hope after Losing Your Baby in Pregnancy or the First Year (1997), “Women experience the loss of a baby very directly.  The baby is a part of our body.  Losing our baby, especially if we have felt the baby move, feels like losing a part of ourselves.” (p. 87)  In addition, the changes our body goes through after pregnancy, such as breast engorgement and afterpains,  are constant reminders of the baby we lost.

Losing a child can put an enormous strain on a marriage.  Thankfully, my husband and I were able to respect each other’s differences in how we were mourning the death of our son.  We became a stronger couple because of it, and despite of it.  This poem by Pam Burden captures another mother’s recognition of this:

Your tears flow within your heart,

Mine flow down my cheeks.

Your anger lies with thoughts and movements,

Mine gallops ahead for all to see.

Your despair shows in your now-dull eyes,

Mine shows in line after written line.

You grieve over the death of your son,

I grieve over the death of my baby.

But we’re still the same, still one,

Only we grieve at different times

Over different memories and at different lengths.

Yet we both realize

The death of our child.

-Pam Burden

(From the Compassionate Friends,

Oak Brook, Illinois.)

If you would like more information on the father’s grief, please contact Angel Whispers at 449-1732.