Academic Freedom
SCIENTIST:
There are those here
who practice pure science
And we all can admire their self-reliance
But in fact they’re a joke, cause they’re all stony broke
Their fingers are not on the pulse
So you make an application to Sponsoria
And you’ll find that they have lots of funding for ya
In return for investin’, they dictate your research question
Your hypothesis and your results
Freedom, academic freedom
As a phrase it’s just fine, but the real bottom line
Is that they’ve got the cash and we need ‘em
Freedom, nothing really comes free
When you’re earning your pay at the university
SOCIAL SCIENTIST:
If you want to pile up publications
You must make only obvious observations
Find a miniscule niche, it’s not relevant which
And stay there for twenty-five years
If your thesis is not a tautology
Then it simply is not sociology
And if there’s any doubt your results will come out
It’s time to try changing careers
Freedom, academic freedom
It’s a sham, I confess, for the way to success
Is set standards for trite and exceed ‘em
Freedom, no you can’t just play free
You have to play safe at the university
ENGLISH PROFESSOR:
When you set yourself to analyze a text
You should try to leave the reader more perplexed
The author’s intent is just accident
Attempts to explain it are uncouth
Choose a tortuously complicated theory
And invent new terms until the reader’s weary
For, should he or she despair of finding meaning there
That just proves that there’s no such thing as truth (q.e.d.!)
Freedom, academic freedom
It’s a wonderful word, but in practice absurd
I write papers, but no one can read ‘em
Freedom, if you want to be free
Then make your escape from the university!
© Adi Sara Kreindler, 2009
Listen to this song on YouTube.