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Whimsical Wits

Email: bigga_mack1946@yahoo.ca

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!" 
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. 
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!" Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home! Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Nope.........just when it's raining"

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My friend asked his father-in-law, a crop-duster, how his day had gone.
"It was the worst day of my life," replied the man. "This morning, I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing of the plane.
"When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out. On my way home, I stopped off at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So I yelled at the bartender, 'Don’t you have any cold beers?!'
The bartender said, 'Sorry, but we’ve been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road.'"

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for $10,000,000. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit. He got the job since it was assumed that as a deaf bookkeeper, he would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify in court about in the first place.
When the Godfather goes to shake down the bookkeeper about his missing $10,000,000, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the $10,000,000 you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the $10,000,000 is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzio's backyard in Brooklyn!" The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.

(WARNING!   Some of the Jokes & Joke Pictures may be offensive.)

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